I need to get over myself!

Ya we hear you

It’s easy to be altruistic. I can, in my heart say, “I care about suffering, I care about injustice, and I want peace.” But it’s something all together different to really give of oneself. Actually give a sacrifice. Not just being able to let go of what I would hardly miss, but to possibly lose out to meet the needs of another.To give until it hurts, and what’s more taking genuine pleasure in doing so. It’s easy to be noble from a lofty position but to be in the gutter willingly with no light upon your good deeds, to quietly and faithfully serve without glory. GOD forgive me for how much time I waste indulging in entertainment and inane activity.

 It’s also much more than a matter of money. I want to take the easy road. Give someone in need 5 dollars and not have to be burdened by their story. My good works ARE as filthy rags compared to the level of humanity that GOD asks. Greater love has no one than this that someone lay down his life for his friends. Who are we to friend? From the greatest to the least.

Any news is good news…

reconciliation

Today was good. Perhaps God is working. I have struggled time and time again with the will. The will to be disciplined and to do my best.  I just feel grey, apathetic and weak. These days I’m not even really motivated to do the things I like to do let alone required adult responsibilities. I slack, I slouch, and I cut corners. But today I had a conviction in my heart. Was it GOD or just the result of this last week of reflection? It’s hard to say definitively. But something strange does happen when you apply the character of GOD to your day. At first it’s a real feeling of discomfort. Awkward. A sense of what am I getting myself into. But at the end of the day doing the right thing feels like less work then working halfheartedly. I worked as if working for the lord today and I really felt the burden ease. It seemed like I did more today than I had in weeks and it seemed to take no time at all. And though on so many levels I missed the mark with my feeble attempts at obedience, I still felt that there was somehow some reconciliation between God and myself that took place today.

The little things.

I feel as though there are stones striking and sparking trying to ignite within me. I saw the wisdom of the bible work today in a way that really spoke to me. I had engaged into conversation with some people whom I did not know. I had said something that someone had found offensive, though I meant no ill will by what I said. They lashed out making some rude remarks about me personally. Now I feel I’m very sensitive so I get hurt when I’m misunderstood and this person felt I was coming from a place of hate or intolerance though my only intention was to make a comment that I felt was objective and relevant to the topic. Of course my instant reaction was one of being defensive and I felt like I wanted to retaliate. But in that moment proverbs 15 came to my mind, “a gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.” And in that moment instead of being in bondage to my anger (which I really really struggle with) I felt I had a choice and when I said to myself, “I want peace”, that’s what came. My response was one of honesty and openness and instead of going into a place of strife the conversation turned into apology and a desire to hear where the other person was coming from, and being ok that we were coming from two different world views we could still keep peace and civility between us. I was in a situation where someone I don’t know almost became an enemy, but instead became someone I appreciated and empathized with. Now this is not a boast. I simply applied the bible to the situation and it saved us both. It’s small and ambiguous. Is that Gods living word? Or is it just practical advice? I don’t know, but it felt good and it felt right and it really does make one want to dig deeper into this kind of wisdom which brought love and peace into a situation that all too often becomes just

make peace

another hostile encounter. I still feel very unmotivated and lost. But still a faint sense of encouragement is in my heart. I still find myself being lazy and getting high, playing video games and watching net flicks. I still feel doubt in my heart, but I also feel moments of clarity where I think of how I want to be helpful in this world. How can I be a light? How can I act out faith? How can I experience GOD? Will I ever actually know that I know him for sure? It’s so early. I need to crawl before I walk. I still feel so far from GOD if he’s there. My prayer tonight is, if there really is a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow that I somehow manage to endure to the end.

Who’s really in control here!?

Day 3 of seeking GOD. The Bible says that the gate and path to everlasting life is a narrow one. It’s so narrow I’m not sure if I can fit. I can understand why people turn from the faith. Confronting the power of sin in one’s life is overwhelming.  It startles me that despite my desire to do what is right in the eyes of GOD I find it almost impossible to resist evil. I thought I sinned because I enjoyed it but as I try to resist it I see that the bible is true when it says that I’m actually in bondage to it. It’s ironic to think that you go about life thinking you are in control of yourself and that serving GOD is an act of relinquishing your autonomous decision making only to come and find out that all along you’ve been under the control of something that even conscious will struggles to defy. Yesterday I did something that really seared my conscience and I already feel like throwing in the towel. It’s depressing to run into battle only to realize you’re naked and then getting your ass handed to you. Something inside me says to just return to how things were. That to battle sin is not worth the grief and discomfort. Maybe I’m being abit hard on myself it is only day 3 after all, but I none the less am left feeling heavy and nervous about what it will actually take to follow through with this idea of seeking the GOD of the bible. But I confess and repent I AM REALLY A SINNER!! Surprisingly just saying that brings peace. OI this is going to be quite the journey. I can see why the problem of growing weary of doing good is such a threat. I’ve only been trying for 3 days and it seems like trying to move a mountain. But again even as I’m typing this I do feel a sense of reassurance and a feeling that I need to just pick up and carry on. Is that GOD talking to me? I have no idea. But whatever it is I do feel the grief lifting. I’m very torn! Is this worth it if it turns out that Christianity is self delusion. GOD if you’re out there help me know I’m not doing this for nothing! But perhaps even if

BLAH!

Christianity is self delusion perhaps it’s still helpful. I am putting myself in a position of real reflection. Reflecting on who I am and really looking at my intentions with a determined objectivity and perhaps that honesty with myself can help in healing the broken things in my life.

I said yes to Jesus, now what?

I want to seek God, where should I start? How do I transition from a life of self absorption and worldly pleasure into a life that will allow revelation of GOD? After I had prayed my prayer of repentance I can say that I indeed felt peace but I still smoked some weed and played video games the rest of the night. I can already see that my first obstacle to overcome is going to be that of routine and pattern. I do the same things every day. Much of which I would say is counterproductive in my quest to “know” GOD. Watching movies with intense violence, watching porn, getting high, wasting time online, and probably my biggest problem… LAZINESS! I am soooo lazy! At the risk of sounding like a loser but in my desire to be open and honest I must confess that I am unemployed and living at home. The truth is when I wake up at 11 I don’t feel like doing anything. And it only seems to be getting worse as the years roll by. Even things that used to excite me don’t anymore. In the state I’m in I could be content with getting high all day and watching futurama. But I know in the depths of my being that that is no way to live. Selfish and wasteful there is no way that could please GOD. Ok step 1 I’ve admitted I have a problem. But now what, I don’t feel particularly spiritual so how am I to “walk in the spirit?” I guess the best place to start is the bible. According to Hebrews 13:15 one way to seek GOD is through praise and thankfulness, “By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name.” So that seems like a good place to start. So here is a list of things I’m thankful for.
• That I don’t go hungry
• Loving family
• Salvation
• That I’m alive
• That I live in a relatively peaceful part of the world
• My truck
• Insulin (I’m a type 1 diabetic)
• Having a home to live in
So thank you GOD for those things. So the heavens didn’t open up and I don’t feel more Christian but baby steps. I’ve been invited to a potluck at the house of a friend of mine who is a Christian and who I’ve not seen in a long time so I will keep my eyes open for any revelation that may come my way during some fellowship with long time believers.

“Knock knock”.. Who’s there? “JESUS” “The Jesus Challenge”

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”  Gospel of john 14:6. Most of us have heard this bible passage. It is the line drawn in the sand by Jesus, proclaiming himself as the ONLY hope a person has for getting into heaven.  This is the flash point of the gospel debate. It’s this unbending requirement that makes Christianity repugnant to so many. But is he or isn’t he? Its either true or it’s not. If it’s not true then Christianity is just one of many ideological constructs devised to

answer questions about life and while holding helpful “truths” can simply be dismissed as

Is this true?

nothing more than ancient myth. BUT if true what is at stake is the eternal destiny of you me and those we love. According to the biblical narrative humanity finds itself in dire straits. We have turned our backs on GOD by choosing our own way of dealing with life which often includes some level of wickedness on our part. This is our nature without GOD according the bible. A nature whose default is one of selfish pursuit and willingness to step on or sometimes just over others in its drive to get what it wants. The need for Christ is a need of a new nature according to the bible, that good works alone cannot get us into heaven. What is needed is perfected holiness to reside in heaven, and man is incapable of fulfilling that requirement thus Jesus steps in as the one who bridges that divide between a perfect holy GOD and wicked man. I have held many world views in my 30 years of living including a Christian one. But as it stands today I live as an agnostic, meaning the question seems too big and would require too much work with little hope of finding the truth. So I have decided to live as I want without concern for pleasing a hypothetical GOD. I live for pleasure, I lie to try to keep out of trouble, I cheat to get ahead, I steal small things I don’t think people would miss I harbor malicious thoughts against others and make judgments on people I don’t even know and on and on. The point is I’m not a religious person nor do I live like Jesus or the bible are  true. So why am I writing a blog about Jesus? Because one day I will die, and before I dismiss the claims of Jesus I need to put what the bible says to the test. According to the bible if I seek God with openness and a willingness he CAN be found. This blog will chronicle that journey of a willing skeptic to whatever end. I will pursue the truth of the gospel to where ever it may lead. If i am not on Jesus’ side im on the wrong side according to the bible, and that means eternal seperation from all that is good. I for one want to be sure, so im taking the “Jesus challenge”. I will seek out not a religion as i did my first time around but the FACE of GOD out of a sincere desire to know if i can know. I will be as transparent as possible and as objective as i can in order that I and others might be saved from an eternity apart from GOD if that is indeed the result of rejecting the gospel. So here we go, the prayer that will set things into motion… Jesus if you’re real and Ineed to be forgiven for my sins which i admit are many please help me see that you are there and that i am indeed forgiven. Help me and anyone else who may come across this blog before its to late. I have many doubts and even some anger towards the church, but I pray for your grace and help to step into a life of faith and to follow you if you are indeed out there. I give you what tiny bit of faith i have in the gospel and with a willing heart ask that you help grow it in a way that lets me know I am indeed walking in truth. In Jesus name I pray. Amen. Ok lets see what happens. Stay tuned!